No human knows better than my husband that I have a very twisted mind. I'm well aware, too, and although I try to make it not be so twisted, sometimes it's quite a failed attempt. I'm ok with this; my twisted mind tends to keep things interesting. However, I'm not ok with it when the twistedness of my mind leads me to believe things that aren't the truth.
For much of our time waiting to have a baby, I have held the twisted idea that my not getting pregnant is punishment from God. I could list all the possible things that I think I might be getting punished for here; but I won't. It's not worth it, because it's not the truth. But this is how my twisted mind works. I talked this through with Ryan, and after looking at me like I had three eyes, he assured me this wasn't the case.
And as we talked, I realized that maybe it's not so much my mind that's twisted...but maybe it's my heart. Because in my head I know that's not how God works; Jesus made it pretty clear when posed the question about the man born blind that it was neither his parents nor the man that had sinned, but he was born blind so that "the works of God might be displayed in him" (John 9:2-3). And although I know that some bad situations are the consequences of sin, I feel like God has made it quite clear to me that this isn't one of those situations.
It was last year around Christmas time that He choose to speak directly to me about this. I hadn't really allowed myself to entertain the idea that I was being punished in some time. After talking it through with Ryan several months before, I knew how silly I was being. So I tried really hard not to think about it; but just because you don't think about something, doesn't mean you don't believe it.
So I was standing in church trying to worship; but I couldn't because all I could do was think about how God must be punishing me. The thoughts I hadn't been thinking came back full force - there was no denying it, I believed God was punishing me by not giving us a baby. In fact, I believed babies were God's ultimate punishment/reward system. For some, getting a baby was their reward for a life well lived. (Well done Mr. and Mrs. Jones! You saved yourselves for marriage, always rely on my timing without trying to control and plan out your whole life without my input, and you never make fun of people on tv. Here is your reward...a perfect little baby! In fact, you're so great maybe you should have six!) For others, the baby was their punishment. (Take that you teenage girl who gave in to temptation! You are hereby punished with a baby!) And for others like me, not getting a baby must be the punishment. (I hadn't quite figured out God's caption to go with this one, so I've got nothing...)
So anyway, I don't think I sang along with a single song because this is where my brain was. To be honest, pretty sure the first few minutes of the sermon passed by as well. And then, these verses appeared like writing on the wall (ok, they were being projected on the screen as part of the sermon, but it felt like I was the only one there and they were written just for me):
In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years. Luke 1:5-7
Whoa! This did not fit well into my babies = punishment/reward formula. I don't think God could have done anything more directly to prove to me that my theory was false. It was like He was standing right there saying, "Yeah, that's right; you don't have this all figured out. You make it seem so simple, but it's not. I'm working on something bigger here, and I need you to trust Me that I know what I'm doing."
The sermon was powerful that day, aptly named "God is Good" (12/13/09). Everything He does is not part of some punishment/reward system, but rather fits into this huge story that is driven by His goodness. He is good, and my having to wait for a baby does not negate that fact.
In fact, His goodness makes me more excited to see how this story ends. Because there was another verse written on the wall that day that brought me great peace: "He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth..." John 1:14 I know this was written thousands of years ago about John, but that day I felt like God was reassuring me that the same would be true for us. When the day comes for Baby Maki to join us, there will be many, many people who rejoice because of his birth. And they will be reminded by us and our story that God is Good.
