The last three months have been a bit surreal. We've actually been content. I set out to have this year be the "year of contentment," and I tell you...it's been a HUGE blessing. September was a tiny bit disappointing, as we thought that our "odds" were really good. But since, then we've both just realized that we may as well enjoy the gift God is giving us right now - more time, just the two of us.
Then sometime in early October, it somehow morphed into the thought of "maybe we're not supposed to have kids after all." When we first started feeling this way, I really thought it would be a fleeting thing. I've felt that way in the past, and it usually lasted a day or two...maybe a week at the most. But now it's mid-November, and we're at nearly three months contentment and well over a month of "kids are for the birds." It's been starting to feel a bit more permanent. Sometimes I've even tried really, really hard to think about wanting kids...and it's just not like it was before. I haven't once thought that us having kids is completely out of the question, but I've settled into a thought pattern that allows that as a possible outcome and it doesn't make me freak out. Strange.
That being said, coupled with this feeling there has been this slight apprehension that it's going to suddenly cave in on me. I know myself well enough after four years of this infertility business to know that I go in pretty major ups and downs. So the feeling of being so okay with not being pregnant has to just be a major up, doesn't it? I feel like I'm navigating a minefield. Everyday I wonder if something will happen that day that will send me reeling again. Thankfully, this concern has been much weaker than the counterpart of contentment; so it's been a relatively great three months!
And then today happens...I'm not reeling by any means, but I did get news that our best friends are pregnant. What makes it strange, is that Ryan and I just talked recently about how as long as they didn't have kids we were okay not having kids. But when they had kids, it might be time to start thinking about doing something more...whether it's medically on the ttc side of things or pursuing adoption. I haven't told Ryan yet, so I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself. Well...he just got home. To be continued...
Update 1/8/12: There was no need to continue, as not much happened. Ryan and I talked, I was close to tears and although one or two may have fallen, I know I didn't break down by any means. I realized I was more concerned that the news was going to break me than I was about them actually being pregnant and how that would impact our next move. Ultimately, it passed within a few days as I realized I was actually stronger than I imagined. Another awesome example of God's grace. :)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Four Years
Four years ago today was the day I had surgery for endometriosis. A blink, and like that four years have passed by. According to my plan, I'd have a child that would be 3 years and 3 months old. It's strange to think of that reality; life would be so different. As hard as it's been to wait, I'm thinking really hard about it right now, and I believe I can honestly say that I am thankful for the four years. I've learned a lot, especially about God; and I've gotten to enjoy four more years of one-on-one time with my Buggie. I love him so much, and at times can be quite content with the thought of living out our days as "just the two of us."
In an effort to focus on the many blessing I have to be thankful for and to strive for my goal of living contentedly, here's a list of the very good things from the last four years (in no particular order):
1. I've gotten Ryan all to myself for nearly 7 years. I love our simple life and the simple joys we share. We've been able to learn more about each other and are in a much better place relationship-wise than we were four years ago.
2. I've had more time to spend with my nephew Kenny. I love all my nieces and nephews, but with the concerns about Kenny's development due to an abnormality with his brain there's something about that little dude and his radiant personality that just captivate me. I'm sure the fact that he's close to the age of the little one I thought I'd have doesn't hurt either. I get to pour any motherly instincts into him, so it's good to have that outlet.
3. I get to sleep through the night and as late as I want on the weekends. I love to sleep, and I'm trying to treasure it now as much as I can, knowing that one day it won't be the same. Sometimes I'm evil and joke with my coworkers talking about their kids that at least I get to sleep as much as I want.
4. I've been able to improve my health. The digestive issues I encountered several years ago that led to a major change in my diet were much easier to make without having a child. If I had a child that was already used to eating sugary snacks the near elimination of sugar may have been much more difficult. Now, we'll be able to raise any children in a healthier environment. Losing 30+ pounds was a nice added bonus and will make any future pregnancy much easier.
5. I believe I've become a stronger woman. Although I have a long way to go, this journey has definitely been teaching me patience and trust in God's timing. I have my emotional ups and downs, but with each passing month I think I'm developing better coping skills. And I seem to be bouncing back quicker from the months that are extra rough.
6. I've had the opportunity to grow in my relationship with God. Although I don't always feel his presence moment by moment, when I look at the big picture I see Him every step of the way. I know there's more growth to be had and I'm excited to see what that looks like.
7. I've learned that everything that happens is for the glory of God. I could have had a child three years and three months ago; but a dull story that went according to my plan would not have provided as much reason to share the glory of God as the current story that is being written through this infertility journey, according to His plan.
8. Speaking of stories -- God knows I love a good story, and being in the middle of seemingly long one gives me hope that the ending will be really amazing and truly worth the wait.
9. I have met several amazing woman who have also journeyed through infertility that have been very encouraging. Although most were just tiny encounters, I appreciate the support that Kim, Vonnie, Kelly, Jenna, Jess, Amy, Beth, and Dana have provided.
10. I've known the true blessing of having people say they've been praying for us. I can't wait to let them know the news when the prayers are answered...even if it's an answer we're not expecting.
In an effort to focus on the many blessing I have to be thankful for and to strive for my goal of living contentedly, here's a list of the very good things from the last four years (in no particular order):
1. I've gotten Ryan all to myself for nearly 7 years. I love our simple life and the simple joys we share. We've been able to learn more about each other and are in a much better place relationship-wise than we were four years ago.
2. I've had more time to spend with my nephew Kenny. I love all my nieces and nephews, but with the concerns about Kenny's development due to an abnormality with his brain there's something about that little dude and his radiant personality that just captivate me. I'm sure the fact that he's close to the age of the little one I thought I'd have doesn't hurt either. I get to pour any motherly instincts into him, so it's good to have that outlet.
3. I get to sleep through the night and as late as I want on the weekends. I love to sleep, and I'm trying to treasure it now as much as I can, knowing that one day it won't be the same. Sometimes I'm evil and joke with my coworkers talking about their kids that at least I get to sleep as much as I want.
4. I've been able to improve my health. The digestive issues I encountered several years ago that led to a major change in my diet were much easier to make without having a child. If I had a child that was already used to eating sugary snacks the near elimination of sugar may have been much more difficult. Now, we'll be able to raise any children in a healthier environment. Losing 30+ pounds was a nice added bonus and will make any future pregnancy much easier.
5. I believe I've become a stronger woman. Although I have a long way to go, this journey has definitely been teaching me patience and trust in God's timing. I have my emotional ups and downs, but with each passing month I think I'm developing better coping skills. And I seem to be bouncing back quicker from the months that are extra rough.
6. I've had the opportunity to grow in my relationship with God. Although I don't always feel his presence moment by moment, when I look at the big picture I see Him every step of the way. I know there's more growth to be had and I'm excited to see what that looks like.
7. I've learned that everything that happens is for the glory of God. I could have had a child three years and three months ago; but a dull story that went according to my plan would not have provided as much reason to share the glory of God as the current story that is being written through this infertility journey, according to His plan.
8. Speaking of stories -- God knows I love a good story, and being in the middle of seemingly long one gives me hope that the ending will be really amazing and truly worth the wait.
9. I have met several amazing woman who have also journeyed through infertility that have been very encouraging. Although most were just tiny encounters, I appreciate the support that Kim, Vonnie, Kelly, Jenna, Jess, Amy, Beth, and Dana have provided.
10. I've known the true blessing of having people say they've been praying for us. I can't wait to let them know the news when the prayers are answered...even if it's an answer we're not expecting.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The Year of Contentment
Dear Baby Maki,
Today is my 30th birthday; and I must admit, I thought you'd be here by now. I've spent a lot of the last four years dwelling on your absence. Truth be told, I'm not sure that it's been healthy. I've anguished and fretted, coveted and loathed, wallowed and wept. I've had spurts of happiness and joy, but I've tended toward an undercurrent of discontent. And I know this is not who God wants me to be.
I've been reading a book lately about becoming a woman of contentment. And I've decided that's what I want for you -- a content mother. I want to become a woman that one day you will look up to and admire for being someone who was content no matter the circumstances. And if I can't do that before you're here, I fear the habit of discontent will be so well formed that I won't be able to break free.
My prayer for my 31st year is that God will teach me to be content with this cup He has given me. Remember, baby, He doesn't give bad cups. Just different cups; cups He's crafted just for us. He knows the purpose our cup is to serve; we do not. We just have to be willing to let Him fill our cup with whatever He chooses. And we need to remember that the cup's purpose is never ever for our glory, but for His.
So here I am, telling you that I choose to be content without you. Not because I don't long for you and already love you, but because you are not yet in my cup. And the time I spend focusing on what I lack diminishes the many blessings He has already poured into my cup. I know this sounds strange, but I think being content without you may be a huge step to being truly content with you, when and if the Lord decides to bless us with your presence.
I love you, Baby Maki. And today, by making a choice to strive for contentment, I pray that I will be a better mother to you someday.
Love, Mommy Maki
Today is my 30th birthday; and I must admit, I thought you'd be here by now. I've spent a lot of the last four years dwelling on your absence. Truth be told, I'm not sure that it's been healthy. I've anguished and fretted, coveted and loathed, wallowed and wept. I've had spurts of happiness and joy, but I've tended toward an undercurrent of discontent. And I know this is not who God wants me to be.
I've been reading a book lately about becoming a woman of contentment. And I've decided that's what I want for you -- a content mother. I want to become a woman that one day you will look up to and admire for being someone who was content no matter the circumstances. And if I can't do that before you're here, I fear the habit of discontent will be so well formed that I won't be able to break free.
My prayer for my 31st year is that God will teach me to be content with this cup He has given me. Remember, baby, He doesn't give bad cups. Just different cups; cups He's crafted just for us. He knows the purpose our cup is to serve; we do not. We just have to be willing to let Him fill our cup with whatever He chooses. And we need to remember that the cup's purpose is never ever for our glory, but for His.
So here I am, telling you that I choose to be content without you. Not because I don't long for you and already love you, but because you are not yet in my cup. And the time I spend focusing on what I lack diminishes the many blessings He has already poured into my cup. I know this sounds strange, but I think being content without you may be a huge step to being truly content with you, when and if the Lord decides to bless us with your presence.
I love you, Baby Maki. And today, by making a choice to strive for contentment, I pray that I will be a better mother to you someday.
Love, Mommy Maki
Friday, May 13, 2011
This is Eternal Life
It's been a little over a month since the revelations about why I believe God's having us wait. I wouldn't mind if I didn't still think about the whole infertility thing so much, and instead was able to dedicate that precious time to the deeper relationship He's found me deserving of...but I suppose a habit that's 3+ years in the making will likely take a bit longer than a month to turn around.
There are definitely positives, though. I've been reading my Bible a bit more and making the tiniest baby steps toward learning how to pray. I'm realizing more and more what a strange attitude I've had towards prayer. I guess I really only think of it is asking for what you want, and since I've always felt pretty confident that I'm good with whatever God decides to do, I haven't seen much need for it. (It may seem strange, but even as much as I want to have children, I can't say that I've prayed overly much about it. That's hard to admit because it makes me feel even sillier than some of the other stuff I've admitted here, but there you have it.) I realize now that I've even had the belief that not praying (aka asking for what I want) is a sign of faith and trust; as in "I trust Him so much, I don't even ask Him to do things differently." But I'm learning that prayer is so much more than asking God to do what you want...that it's meant to be how we communicate with each other and get to know each other. So yeah, I'm trying to just talk to Him more. I'm a verbal processor, so I'd think I wouldn't have such an issue with just talking to Him about anything and everything. But it's a challenge...but one I'm excited to take on.
So anyway...one of my favorite things about God is how good He is at really hammering a point into my head. After getting the message that our waiting is meant to be a time for me (hopefully us) to get to know Him better, I have come across the same verse three times in less than three weeks that emphasizes the absolute importance of knowing Him:
And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. John 17:3
I came across it first while reading through John. Somehow when I decided to start reading my Bible more consistently, John was the first place I went...even though it's probably the book I've read most. I read it on my Kindle, and the only verse I highlighted in the book was this one. I know I've read it many times before, but this time it really struck me: eternal life is defined as knowing God and Jesus Christ. It isn't living in self-absorbed blissful happiness in some amazing place that we imagine to be our heaven; it is KNOWING God and Jesus Christ. Not just knowing about, but intimately knowing. And we don't have to wait until we die...He wants us to start experiencing and knowing Him now!
So that verse made quite an impression, and when it just "happened" to be the first verse that Pastor Paul touched on during his sermon the following Sunday my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe it was coming up again. And the very next Sunday, which happened to be Mother's Day--a day I had decided to skip church, but ended up going with my parents and aunt and uncle to their church because they knew he would do his usual sermon in the series and not focus solely on Mother's Day--to my utter amazement the pastor also discussed this verse. I could only let the tears flow and feel the peace wash over me of His reassurance that He wants me to know Him...more than anything. AWESOME!
There are definitely positives, though. I've been reading my Bible a bit more and making the tiniest baby steps toward learning how to pray. I'm realizing more and more what a strange attitude I've had towards prayer. I guess I really only think of it is asking for what you want, and since I've always felt pretty confident that I'm good with whatever God decides to do, I haven't seen much need for it. (It may seem strange, but even as much as I want to have children, I can't say that I've prayed overly much about it. That's hard to admit because it makes me feel even sillier than some of the other stuff I've admitted here, but there you have it.) I realize now that I've even had the belief that not praying (aka asking for what I want) is a sign of faith and trust; as in "I trust Him so much, I don't even ask Him to do things differently." But I'm learning that prayer is so much more than asking God to do what you want...that it's meant to be how we communicate with each other and get to know each other. So yeah, I'm trying to just talk to Him more. I'm a verbal processor, so I'd think I wouldn't have such an issue with just talking to Him about anything and everything. But it's a challenge...but one I'm excited to take on.
So anyway...one of my favorite things about God is how good He is at really hammering a point into my head. After getting the message that our waiting is meant to be a time for me (hopefully us) to get to know Him better, I have come across the same verse three times in less than three weeks that emphasizes the absolute importance of knowing Him:
And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. John 17:3
I came across it first while reading through John. Somehow when I decided to start reading my Bible more consistently, John was the first place I went...even though it's probably the book I've read most. I read it on my Kindle, and the only verse I highlighted in the book was this one. I know I've read it many times before, but this time it really struck me: eternal life is defined as knowing God and Jesus Christ. It isn't living in self-absorbed blissful happiness in some amazing place that we imagine to be our heaven; it is KNOWING God and Jesus Christ. Not just knowing about, but intimately knowing. And we don't have to wait until we die...He wants us to start experiencing and knowing Him now!
So that verse made quite an impression, and when it just "happened" to be the first verse that Pastor Paul touched on during his sermon the following Sunday my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe it was coming up again. And the very next Sunday, which happened to be Mother's Day--a day I had decided to skip church, but ended up going with my parents and aunt and uncle to their church because they knew he would do his usual sermon in the series and not focus solely on Mother's Day--to my utter amazement the pastor also discussed this verse. I could only let the tears flow and feel the peace wash over me of His reassurance that He wants me to know Him...more than anything. AWESOME!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Oops...forgot a "minor" detail
I alluded to it, but I didn't exactly state a key piece of info in that last post. I decided to cancel the diagnostic laparoscopy for next Monday. I want to see how things go with these new supplements. And even though I didn't say it in my post on Saturday night, a big part of why I wanted to have the surgery was that I was actually hoping that it would be bad. That the results would be that things looked horrible and my odds of getting pregnant based on what they saw would be slim to none. I wanted to be done with this. And now with the renewal of my hope...I would rather not know if it looks bad. Because even if it does, I believe that God is working and that one day I will be pregnant.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
HOPE! (of the ultimate variety)
Amazing...I went to bed last night after posting here, feeling anything but hope. And now just a little over 12 hours later, it's bubbled up again...and it feels good!
Last night I emailed Sarah (a nutritionist I met with two years ago when I was having such horrible digestion issues) with a few food related questions. I didn't even mention to her about the endometriosis and upcoming procedure (although she is aware of my history with endo), but in her response she "just happened" to mention two supplements that she thought would be good for me to take: DIM and calcium-d-glucarate. In doing some research, I found that these supplements are very beneficial for women with estrogen dominance.
Estrogen dominance...wow. The symptoms of this fit me to a "t." What's strange is that I vaguely recall mention of me having this issue...whether it was my chiropractor that mentioned it, Sarah back when I went to her, or if just came up in my research when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis. Either way, I am slightly regretful that I didn't realize it sooner and do something about it. But not that regretful because I truly believe that this whole journey to have a baby is just as much (if not more) spiritual than it is physical. So I believe the fact that I'm figuring it out now is exactly in God's timing. Speaking of which...God's timing is amazing! Let me explain...
It may seem like the hope I'm so excited about is the renewed hope I have of getting pregnant using these supplements to get the estrogen dominance under control. And while that's part of it, the bigger part is my hope that I'm about to take an even more important and life changing journey than this whole baby making thing. I realized this morning that what I've been feeling for a while now is absolutely 100% the truth...it is time for me to become more than a Christian in name only. I've been aware for a while now that my relationship with Christ is pretty shallow, that my understanding of God's love for me is seriously lacking, that my imprint on this world as a Christ follower is nearly nonexistent, and... that I should actually do something about it.
I won't lie...I've had this "someday" feeling about it. And I think the someday I've been waiting for is when we have kids. Like all of a sudden when we have kids, then it will be time to get my priorities straight and actually put my relationship with Christ at the top. It sounds so strange (and quite embarrassing) now that I put it in writing, but it's what I've actually been waiting for.
So here's where the timing gets pretty cool in this whole story. So this morning I'm doing some research on the supplements Sarah told me about. When I did a search for "DIM and infertility," I came across this article, which a lady posted on her blog that's all about her struggle with getting pregnant. I started reading through what she went through, and it was pretty amazing how similar her attitude and take on the whole experience was to mine. She's a Christian, and it was super cool to get her perspective on it. I thought it was a pretty cool find, so I bookmarked it wanting to read more later.
An hour or so later, I gave Mackenzie a call. I had just emailed her the night before to tell her about the laparoscopy I was planning to have, and figured it would be easier to explain the decision not to have it verbally rather than typing it out. Besides, I was so excited, I wanted to share it with someone. We talked for over an hour about many different things, one of which was me telling her about the quote that I shared in an earlier post about waiting being the answer. I told her that I'm not convinced that part of God's answer of "wait" to my pleas to have a baby isn't Him waiting for me to get to know Him better first; that He knows I've been delaying my pursuit of Him because this silly notion of "I'll get around to that later when I have kids" (as if I'll have more time then...ha ha). So we chatted a little about that, moved on to other topics, wrapped it up, and I thought that was the end of that subject for the day. Well, blessedly I was wrong...
I returned to the computer to do more research on the supplements and estrogen dominance, but what I got instead was much, MUCH better. I got a heart-to-heart message from God. You see...that blog I bookmarked earlier was still up, and since I really liked her perspective I decided to keep reading. One of her tags at the side was Hope, and since I was feeling that for the first time in quite a while, I decided to see what she had to say about such things. I scrolled down a ways, and that's when I found this poem she posted:
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.
“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!
So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”
(by Russell Kelfer)
Needless to say, I cried quite a bit...especially when He "knelt" and "wept" with me. I felt like God was talking directly to me, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like He truly cared. And not just the kind where He cared about what I'm going through...but that He cared about me and His relationship with me. It was that amazing feeling of being pursued...sought out...desired.
I hope I always remember that the hope I have in Christ and my relationship with Him and God my father is the ultimate hope. Yes, I have renewed hope in the possibility of becoming pregnant, but it is technically possible that it may never come to pass. If God were to have granted my request for a child sooner and not given me this time to "wait," I fear I would have missed out on this "greatest of gifts" He's presenting me with now.
Oh that I will be a good steward of this gift He's found me worthy of!
Last night I emailed Sarah (a nutritionist I met with two years ago when I was having such horrible digestion issues) with a few food related questions. I didn't even mention to her about the endometriosis and upcoming procedure (although she is aware of my history with endo), but in her response she "just happened" to mention two supplements that she thought would be good for me to take: DIM and calcium-d-glucarate. In doing some research, I found that these supplements are very beneficial for women with estrogen dominance.
Estrogen dominance...wow. The symptoms of this fit me to a "t." What's strange is that I vaguely recall mention of me having this issue...whether it was my chiropractor that mentioned it, Sarah back when I went to her, or if just came up in my research when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis. Either way, I am slightly regretful that I didn't realize it sooner and do something about it. But not that regretful because I truly believe that this whole journey to have a baby is just as much (if not more) spiritual than it is physical. So I believe the fact that I'm figuring it out now is exactly in God's timing. Speaking of which...God's timing is amazing! Let me explain...
It may seem like the hope I'm so excited about is the renewed hope I have of getting pregnant using these supplements to get the estrogen dominance under control. And while that's part of it, the bigger part is my hope that I'm about to take an even more important and life changing journey than this whole baby making thing. I realized this morning that what I've been feeling for a while now is absolutely 100% the truth...it is time for me to become more than a Christian in name only. I've been aware for a while now that my relationship with Christ is pretty shallow, that my understanding of God's love for me is seriously lacking, that my imprint on this world as a Christ follower is nearly nonexistent, and... that I should actually do something about it.
I won't lie...I've had this "someday" feeling about it. And I think the someday I've been waiting for is when we have kids. Like all of a sudden when we have kids, then it will be time to get my priorities straight and actually put my relationship with Christ at the top. It sounds so strange (and quite embarrassing) now that I put it in writing, but it's what I've actually been waiting for.
So here's where the timing gets pretty cool in this whole story. So this morning I'm doing some research on the supplements Sarah told me about. When I did a search for "DIM and infertility," I came across this article, which a lady posted on her blog that's all about her struggle with getting pregnant. I started reading through what she went through, and it was pretty amazing how similar her attitude and take on the whole experience was to mine. She's a Christian, and it was super cool to get her perspective on it. I thought it was a pretty cool find, so I bookmarked it wanting to read more later.
An hour or so later, I gave Mackenzie a call. I had just emailed her the night before to tell her about the laparoscopy I was planning to have, and figured it would be easier to explain the decision not to have it verbally rather than typing it out. Besides, I was so excited, I wanted to share it with someone. We talked for over an hour about many different things, one of which was me telling her about the quote that I shared in an earlier post about waiting being the answer. I told her that I'm not convinced that part of God's answer of "wait" to my pleas to have a baby isn't Him waiting for me to get to know Him better first; that He knows I've been delaying my pursuit of Him because this silly notion of "I'll get around to that later when I have kids" (as if I'll have more time then...ha ha). So we chatted a little about that, moved on to other topics, wrapped it up, and I thought that was the end of that subject for the day. Well, blessedly I was wrong...
I returned to the computer to do more research on the supplements and estrogen dominance, but what I got instead was much, MUCH better. I got a heart-to-heart message from God. You see...that blog I bookmarked earlier was still up, and since I really liked her perspective I decided to keep reading. One of her tags at the side was Hope, and since I was feeling that for the first time in quite a while, I decided to see what she had to say about such things. I scrolled down a ways, and that's when I found this poem she posted:
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.
“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You’d never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!
So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”
(by Russell Kelfer)
Needless to say, I cried quite a bit...especially when He "knelt" and "wept" with me. I felt like God was talking directly to me, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like He truly cared. And not just the kind where He cared about what I'm going through...but that He cared about me and His relationship with me. It was that amazing feeling of being pursued...sought out...desired.
I hope I always remember that the hope I have in Christ and my relationship with Him and God my father is the ultimate hope. Yes, I have renewed hope in the possibility of becoming pregnant, but it is technically possible that it may never come to pass. If God were to have granted my request for a child sooner and not given me this time to "wait," I fear I would have missed out on this "greatest of gifts" He's presenting me with now.
Oh that I will be a good steward of this gift He's found me worthy of!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Forward Motion
2011 is already a quarter of the way done. In the world of couples trying to conceive (ttc is the official lingo, I guess), the arrival of April means that a baby this year isn't going to happen. Unless of course the baby were to arrive a few weeks early, but I don't even have the hope of that. The reason being, there will be no April pregnancy. Why? Because a week from Monday, I go in for a diagnostic laparscopy to check out my insides to see what endometriosis has been up to the last three and a half years. It's a pretty minor surgery, but I can't imagine I'd recover quickly enough to be up for ttc. :)
I've actually been quite blessed when it comes to the endometriosis. Sure, it lead to the removal of half of my vital baby making parts; but since my initial pain and surgery back in 2007, except an occasional sharp pain on my left side I haven't really had any pain to speak of . That is until last month. The occasional sharp pain turned into a relatively frequent stabbing sensation. The fact that the worst of it coincided with my period is a pretty strong indicator that it's endo.
I was able to get into Dr. Stenzle within a week, and of the options he gave me (one of which was taking some hormone to put myself into a "menopausal state") doing the laparscopy seems like the best plan. I probably wouldn't be in such a hurry to do it, but I'm really curious to see what's going on in there. And as a little added bonus, Dr. S said he'll put some dye in my right fallopian tube and video it so a fertility specialist could check it out. I don't know that we'll ever have a fertility specialist, but I figure if there's anything major, he could probably let us know.
So yeah, that's that. We're also planning to have Ryan's "stuff" tested in the near future. For a long time I didn't think we'd go that far, but now I just want to know. If the results were to indicate that the odds were definitely not in our favor, I think it would help us move closer to adoption.
Speaking of adoption...we joined a small group a few weeks back that was about adoption and orphan care. I was really hopeful that there'd be at least one other couple going through what we are, and that we'd find it to be a step in helping us determine if adoption was where we should start moving. But the only ones in the group were couples that already had kids and were adopting. It felt quite similar to being in a group with a bunch of pregnant woman. So yeah...emotionally I couldn't do it.
We'll see what happens. It's strange...right now I just feel like I'm letting life just slowing push us along in whatever direction it chooses to take us. It at least feels like we're moving forward, so that's a good thing...I think.
I've actually been quite blessed when it comes to the endometriosis. Sure, it lead to the removal of half of my vital baby making parts; but since my initial pain and surgery back in 2007, except an occasional sharp pain on my left side I haven't really had any pain to speak of . That is until last month. The occasional sharp pain turned into a relatively frequent stabbing sensation. The fact that the worst of it coincided with my period is a pretty strong indicator that it's endo.
I was able to get into Dr. Stenzle within a week, and of the options he gave me (one of which was taking some hormone to put myself into a "menopausal state") doing the laparscopy seems like the best plan. I probably wouldn't be in such a hurry to do it, but I'm really curious to see what's going on in there. And as a little added bonus, Dr. S said he'll put some dye in my right fallopian tube and video it so a fertility specialist could check it out. I don't know that we'll ever have a fertility specialist, but I figure if there's anything major, he could probably let us know.
So yeah, that's that. We're also planning to have Ryan's "stuff" tested in the near future. For a long time I didn't think we'd go that far, but now I just want to know. If the results were to indicate that the odds were definitely not in our favor, I think it would help us move closer to adoption.
Speaking of adoption...we joined a small group a few weeks back that was about adoption and orphan care. I was really hopeful that there'd be at least one other couple going through what we are, and that we'd find it to be a step in helping us determine if adoption was where we should start moving. But the only ones in the group were couples that already had kids and were adopting. It felt quite similar to being in a group with a bunch of pregnant woman. So yeah...emotionally I couldn't do it.
We'll see what happens. It's strange...right now I just feel like I'm letting life just slowing push us along in whatever direction it chooses to take us. It at least feels like we're moving forward, so that's a good thing...I think.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
New Year's Resolution
I'm usually not one for having a New Year's Resolution, as often times when I say that I absolutely without a doubt will (or won't) do something, I only do (or don't do) it for about a day. But this year, I realized I am in dire need of a change. Although I had a few "up" moments in 2010, all in all the year was a deep valley of self-pity, bitterness, and anger. Not a place I can afford to choose to be in for another year. (Of course, I'll likely visit that place every now and then, but I refuse to make it my permanent residence.)
So a change like this that just happened to fall around the dawn of a new year seemed to warrant an official resolution. And I'm glad I did. Because this simple resolution has been something that I'm learning to repeat over and over to myself when I start to feel those old icky feelings loom around me. So here's what it is:
This year, I will focus on the blessings I already have not on the ones I'm waiting for.
What's really strange is that I'm not sure how successful I'm actually being at doing that exact thing. I'm still thinking about trying to get pregnant and what we should do if we don't in the near future, and I haven't spent hours reflecting on my many blessings or writing them out or anything. But even so, the effect the idea of the resolution has had on me so far has been quite profound. As soon as self-pity or any of those other ugly thoughts start to enter, if I quickly say this resolution (sometimes even out loud), the dismal thoughts are immediately held at bay. So far so good. I'll take this as step in the right direction.
One blessing I can see for certain...2011 is already much better than 2010. I'll list out all the specific blessings another day.
So a change like this that just happened to fall around the dawn of a new year seemed to warrant an official resolution. And I'm glad I did. Because this simple resolution has been something that I'm learning to repeat over and over to myself when I start to feel those old icky feelings loom around me. So here's what it is:
This year, I will focus on the blessings I already have not on the ones I'm waiting for.
What's really strange is that I'm not sure how successful I'm actually being at doing that exact thing. I'm still thinking about trying to get pregnant and what we should do if we don't in the near future, and I haven't spent hours reflecting on my many blessings or writing them out or anything. But even so, the effect the idea of the resolution has had on me so far has been quite profound. As soon as self-pity or any of those other ugly thoughts start to enter, if I quickly say this resolution (sometimes even out loud), the dismal thoughts are immediately held at bay. So far so good. I'll take this as step in the right direction.
One blessing I can see for certain...2011 is already much better than 2010. I'll list out all the specific blessings another day.
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