Waiting is the answer.

Tonight while reading my first purchased "infertility book," I was most struck by these words:

"Waiting is not unanswered prayer. Waiting is the answer. For reasons known only to God, you, too, must wait for a child right now. But do not think this is some second-best, unexpected plan for your life. This is God's anticipated best plan for your future. Waiting is no mere interruption or a nasty wrench in the works. God uses waiting as an active tool in His hands as He shapes our destiny -even if we don't seem well-equipped to enjoy it!" (Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Trying to Conceive.)

Wow...that was exactly the reminder I needed to bring me a measure of comfort tonight. I find it interesting that I titled this blog "Waiting for Baby Maki." I so want to be a good steward of this time He is giving me. I truly believe there is a reason and a purpose. What I need to learn is to spend less of the time analyzing why He's making me wait and more time allowing Him to work in me to fulfill the purpose of the wait.

The book that I quoted above ends each devotional with a short prayer. Here's my paraphrase of the one from this chapter:

Lord, please help me be a better steward of this time of waiting. Help me to trust that it's a blessing and not a curse. Help Ryan and I to overcome our doubts and impatience. I know You have already blessed us over the past three years, and I want to look back and remember what You have done. Help me to trust that You will continue to work, no matter how long the wait. Amen.

My hope is to use this blog as a place to keep track of what God has done and has yet to do, so that we'll always have a reminder. I know the energy I spend feeling angry, bitter, sad, jealous, inadequate, etc. is not the purpose He has for this time. I'm guessing that efforts to completely banish these feelings would be in vain, but I'm confident that this renewed hope in His good purpose for the wait is a step in the right direction.

Part Him/Part Me

I didn't want kids...ever. At least that's what I "always" said. In high school I was pretty adamant that "my" would never be a word I would use in reference to children. I had zero motherly instinct. I'd never been one to play with dolls...at least not of the baby variety. Babysitting was definitely not my thing. I just didn't ever see the kid thing happening for me, but that was mostly because I never tried to see it.

And then, one night I saw it. I remember exactly where I was when the vision hit me. It was early 2003 and I was in my car with a certain boy, turning off of Lake St onto 2nd Ave going back to my Fulton St apartment. Ryan was talking about how he'd always wanted kids. I don't think we were even officially dating yet, but the idea of a little kid that was part him and part me flashed through my mind...and in that instance, everything changed. I, Tessa Renee Swanstrom, wanted a child. But not just any child...I longed for Baby Maki.

Strange to think back on the moment now. Over seven years ago, and I think the picture I see of Baby Maki in my mind is still quite the same. Dark hair, dark eyes...mostly Maki. The only thing that changes on occasion is if Baby Maki is a boy or a girl. These days, he's a boy. And I really wish you could meet him; he's super cute.

Three Years

I like to plan things...not so much on a small scale, but on a large one. Though I may not have a plan for the weekend, I usually have a general plan of how I'd like the next year or so of life to go. I think I've always been this way, and the odd thing is that things have usually gone very close to my plan. I've coasted along merrily, with few bumps in the road. That is until Ryan and I decided it was time to have a baby.

Since the time we were married, we knew that we wanted to have a few years of "just us" time. At least I knew that...perhaps Ryan was just being a good sport and went along with my plan. In my plan, we would wait at least two years. As the two year mark came, I decided that having a baby in May would be a great idea, so we would wait to start trying until closer to August, so we could have our May baby. I laugh at my former self now...I really believed it would go just as planned.

When August was just a month away, my first ever major bump in the road arrived in the form of a grapefruit sized cyst in my left ovary. Extreme pain, two trips to the emergency room, and several visits to Dr. Stenzel later, surgery was scheduled for August 27th. How ironic...the month my plan involved getting pregnant. Instead, I had surgery to remove the cyst...and my left ovary, fallopian tube, and appendix, too. Dr. Stenzel assured me the right side looked "good to go" and that this was enough.

Three years later, and I'm looking back at the journey Ryan and I have been through. I wish I had kept a journal throughout...there's been so many hard days, but so many good ones too. I wish I had evidence of them all. So I'm starting now. God has blessed us throughout, and I know without a doubt that only good will come from this experience...as long as I don't get in the way of His good and perfect plan.