Four Years

Four years ago today was the day I had surgery for endometriosis. A blink, and like that four years have passed by. According to my plan, I'd have a child that would be 3 years and 3 months old. It's strange to think of that reality; life would be so different. As hard as it's been to wait, I'm thinking really hard about it right now, and I believe I can honestly say that I am thankful for the four years. I've learned a lot, especially about God; and I've gotten to enjoy four more years of one-on-one time with my Buggie. I love him so much, and at times can be quite content with the thought of living out our days as "just the two of us."

In an effort to focus on the many blessing I have to be thankful for and to strive for my goal of living contentedly, here's a list of the very good things from the last four years (in no particular order):

1. I've gotten Ryan all to myself for nearly 7 years. I love our simple life and the simple joys we share. We've been able to learn more about each other and are in a much better place relationship-wise than we were four years ago.

2. I've had more time to spend with my nephew Kenny. I love all my nieces and nephews, but with the concerns about Kenny's development due to an abnormality with his brain there's something about that little dude and his radiant personality that just captivate me. I'm sure the fact that he's close to the age of the little one I thought I'd have doesn't hurt either. I get to pour any motherly instincts into him, so it's good to have that outlet.

3. I get to sleep through the night and as late as I want on the weekends. I love to sleep, and I'm trying to treasure it now as much as I can, knowing that one day it won't be the same. Sometimes I'm evil and joke with my coworkers talking about their kids that at least I get to sleep as much as I want.

4. I've been able to improve my health. The digestive issues I encountered several years ago that led to a major change in my diet were much easier to make without having a child. If I had a child that was already used to eating sugary snacks the near elimination of sugar may have been much more difficult. Now, we'll be able to raise any children in a healthier environment. Losing 30+ pounds was a nice added bonus and will make any future pregnancy much easier.

5. I believe I've become a stronger woman. Although I have a long way to go, this journey has definitely been teaching me patience and trust in God's timing. I have my emotional ups and downs, but with each passing month I think I'm developing better coping skills. And I seem to be bouncing back quicker from the months that are extra rough.

6. I've had the opportunity to grow in my relationship with God. Although I don't always feel his presence moment by moment, when I look at the big picture I see Him every step of the way. I know there's more growth to be had and I'm excited to see what that looks like.

7. I've learned that everything that happens is for the glory of God. I could have had a child three years and three months ago; but a dull story that went according to my plan would not have provided as much reason to share the glory of God as the current story that is being written through this infertility journey, according to His plan.

8. Speaking of stories -- God knows I love a good story, and being in the middle of seemingly long one gives me hope that the ending will be really amazing and truly worth the wait.

9. I have met several amazing woman who have also journeyed through infertility that have been very encouraging. Although most were just tiny encounters, I appreciate the support that Kim, Vonnie, Kelly, Jenna,  Jess, Amy, Beth, and Dana have provided.

10. I've known the true blessing of having people say they've been praying for us. I can't wait to let them know the news when the prayers are answered...even if it's an answer we're not expecting.

The Year of Contentment

Dear Baby Maki,

Today is my 30th birthday; and I must admit, I thought you'd be here by now. I've spent a lot of the last four years dwelling on your absence. Truth be told, I'm not sure that it's been healthy. I've anguished and fretted, coveted and loathed, wallowed and wept. I've had spurts of happiness and joy, but I've tended toward an undercurrent of discontent. And I know this is not who God wants me to be.

I've been reading a book lately about becoming a woman of contentment. And I've decided that's what I want for you -- a content mother. I want to become a woman that one day you will look up to and admire for being someone who was content no matter the circumstances. And if I can't do that before you're here, I fear the habit of discontent will be so well formed that I won't be able to break free.

My prayer for my 31st year is that God will teach me to be content with this cup He has given me. Remember, baby, He doesn't give bad cups. Just different cups; cups He's crafted just for us. He knows the purpose our cup is to serve; we do not. We just have to be willing to let Him fill our cup with whatever He chooses. And we need to remember that the cup's purpose is never ever for our glory, but for His.

So here I am, telling you that I choose to be content without you. Not because I don't long for you and already love you, but because you are not yet in my cup. And the time I spend focusing on what I lack diminishes the many blessings He has already poured into my cup. I know this sounds strange, but I think being content without you may be a huge step to being truly content with you, when and if the Lord decides to bless us with your presence.

I love you, Baby Maki. And today, by making a choice to strive for contentment, I pray that I will be a better mother to you someday.

Love, Mommy Maki