The Year of Contentment

Dear Baby Maki,

Today is my 30th birthday; and I must admit, I thought you'd be here by now. I've spent a lot of the last four years dwelling on your absence. Truth be told, I'm not sure that it's been healthy. I've anguished and fretted, coveted and loathed, wallowed and wept. I've had spurts of happiness and joy, but I've tended toward an undercurrent of discontent. And I know this is not who God wants me to be.

I've been reading a book lately about becoming a woman of contentment. And I've decided that's what I want for you -- a content mother. I want to become a woman that one day you will look up to and admire for being someone who was content no matter the circumstances. And if I can't do that before you're here, I fear the habit of discontent will be so well formed that I won't be able to break free.

My prayer for my 31st year is that God will teach me to be content with this cup He has given me. Remember, baby, He doesn't give bad cups. Just different cups; cups He's crafted just for us. He knows the purpose our cup is to serve; we do not. We just have to be willing to let Him fill our cup with whatever He chooses. And we need to remember that the cup's purpose is never ever for our glory, but for His.

So here I am, telling you that I choose to be content without you. Not because I don't long for you and already love you, but because you are not yet in my cup. And the time I spend focusing on what I lack diminishes the many blessings He has already poured into my cup. I know this sounds strange, but I think being content without you may be a huge step to being truly content with you, when and if the Lord decides to bless us with your presence.

I love you, Baby Maki. And today, by making a choice to strive for contentment, I pray that I will be a better mother to you someday.

Love, Mommy Maki