Another Page in the Story

Well, on Wednesday morning I'll be having surgery to find out what's been causing the pain in my lower left abdomen over the last year or so. The pain is nowhere near as severe as it was five years ago when I first had surgery for endometriosis; but it's enough that something needs to be done. Because it's so localized to the left side, it is very likely that scar tissue is the culprit; but there is always a chance that there are other issues. (One of my biggest fears is that there are issues with my intestines/colon, so I'm really hoping and praying that they are healthy and will stay intact.)

The doctor who will be doing the surgery is a fertility specialist. Although the primary reason for the surgery is not fertility related, she'll obviously take a look around while she's in there. I'm very thankful because I believe Ryan and I are at a point where we are ready for any news, and know that more information is never a bad thing. (Compared to most of the last five years, where I just didn't want to know.)

Well, I could go into a lot more detail about my hopes and fears, but right now I mostly feel like not thinking about it. I need to get through a few hours of work tomorrow, and then I'm sure Ryan will get to listen to me hash out my feelings tomorrow night.

For now, I'll just rest in the peace of knowing that God's in control and that Wednesday is another opportunity for Him to write a few more pages of my story. 

Edit (5/22/2013): Wow...it's been over 8 months! Surgery went well. Doctor said she was able to "clean" things up, and that if we were hoping to get pregnant, soon after the surgery would be the best time. The thing is...that's not really our hope. Even after the surgery we've continued to be so very content not having children. So that's that. :)

God is still God

Tonight my heart aches. A coworker, who's come to be a good friend, and his wife lost their little girl, Rosemary. Rosie was due to bring such amazing joy to the new parents in a few short weeks; but instead, today they mourn the loss of the little one they already loved so much.

I read the news in an email before I left for work. I'm selfishly thankful that I hadn't yet put make up on, and that I was in the privacy of home when the reality sunk in. I cannot imagine what they are going through. The ache in my heart and the questions of "why?" racing through my mind can only be a millionth of what they are experiencing; and even with that I'm finding it hard to breath.

I was planning to write tonight because it's the 5 year anniversary of my surgery. I was going to reflect on what I've learned in the last five years. Then I was going to look ahead to next week when I have another surgery to see what's been causing me so much pain the last few months (and the last couple days especially), and how hopefully it will be fixed while they are in there.

But everything I'd planned to write about just doesn't seem important now. I know my pain has been great over the years, but it somehow pales in light of this. Not because the pain that I've felt in waiting for a child is less valid, but because this is just so much more tangible. I think the fact that I've been doing so well with our infertility also makes me see my prior pain as having lessened...because it just doesn't ache the way it used to.

I remember in one of the darker times of going through our journey I came across this video of the singer that recorded Hillsong's Desert Song. She talks about how shortly before recording the song, she lost her baby boy. Even though she didn't necessarily feel like it, she still chose to sing praise to God. As God would have it, this was the song that was on the radio when I drove to work today.

There's a line where she says, "Sometimes I don't feel like singing to God, but I know that my circumstance and this season doesn't change that God is still God...He's still on the throne..."

That's all that even makes sense to me right now. God is still God.

Pray continually...

I think that phrase is going to take on new meaning in the next few days. My good friend Kerri left for Rochester tonight to be induced tomorrow morning. Her little girl's heart apparently isn't hooked up quite right, and most likely will be whisked away for surgery moments after delivery.

It really struck me a few nights ago that Kerri and Brad are hurdling toward either the greatest joy of their lives or the greatest sorrow, and until the events of the next few days play out, there's no way of knowing which it will be.

So I will just keep praying and trusting that God is in control, and that ultimately the story He writes in the coming days is for His glory and for Kerri and Brad's good. Oh, that we will rest and trust in that no matter the outcome.

Update 1/17: Praise God!!! Miss Olivia Grace was born at 1:58 p.m. on January 16, weighing in at 7 lbs 15 oz. She's in the NICU, awaiting open heart surgery on Thursday (January 19). Many prayers answered, many more being poured out...

Update: 5/13: Little Miss O is nearly 4 months old! Her heart surgery went very well and she was out of the hospital 8 days later. I'm not exactly sure what the ongoing cares and concerns may be, but for now she's a happy and healthy little critter (as her mom lovingly calls her).

Amazingness.

Well, the strangeness I was feeling in November has morphed into this wonderful amazingness that's hard to describe. Little by little, day by day, I'm feeling more and more assurance that God has something super spectacular mind-blowingly amazing in the works. And although I'm still very hopeful that whatever it is He's authoring includes a mini-Maki, I'm not sure it does. And what's more amazing is I feel pretty okay with the not knowing; and I'm trusting that I will also be okay with the absence of this blog's key character, if that's the way the plot goes.

So yeah...I've been feeling a peace that I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend six months ago. Aside from the few days of being slightly unsettled when we found out Nicole and Joe are expecting, I've really, really been okay. I made it through two baby showers (the first in over four years!); I felt truly thankful (not bitter) at Thanksgiving; and this was the first Christmas since 2006 that I wasn't wallowing in self-pity.

I just read several of my earlier posts, and in one I made mention of how hard Christmas tends to be because I'm longing for the child to hang a stocking for and am always thinking about how maybe he or she will be here next year. Those thoughts entered my mind this year, but I'd say it was more thinking about how strange it was that I wasn't really thinking about it than actually thinking about it. (Have fun wrapping your mind around that one.)

This Christmas, I enjoyed shopping for my nieces and nephews in a way that I haven't before. (Not to mention the fun I had shopping for everyone else, too; needless to say, I went over budget a little this year. And it was SOooo worth it!) But more important than the shopping and the gift giving, I feel like I appreciated the true meaning of Christmas this year in a way I haven't in a long time, if ever. That sounds so cliché, but it's true. I've been reading my Bible so much more lately, and surprise, surprise - the whole idea that that's how we get to know God and Jesus better is actually true. So this year, with a new appreciation for who God the Father and Jesus his Son are, I was in awe of the Christmas story in a way I've never been before. Fun stuff.

My favorite "hoping for baby" related moment in the last few weeks came while reading the beginning of the Christmas story in the first chapter of Luke one morning while we were in Indiana visiting Ma and Pa Maki (best visit EVER! by the way). I've come to realize that the story of John the Baptist's birth to Zechariah and Elizabeth is my favorite story of infertility in the Bible. Not only is it the story that taught me a very important lesson a few years back; but this year it reminded me of something even more important: "For nothing is impossible with God."

There you have it. Luke 1:37. It's one of those great verses that we like to throw around for any circumstance that seems impossible. (I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad thing, but sometimes we might trivialize it. For example, I think I may have referenced it in high school during an FCA meeting prior to a boys' playoff basketball game that we were not favored to win. If winning a basketball game is our view of what isn't "impossible with God," we certainly have low expectations.) I know this verse has come to mind many times when I've been battling that small voice in my head telling me that it will be impossible for me to get pregnant, and it has definitely brought me peace.

The wonderful thing about reading this verse again is that I'd completely forgotten its context, if I ever consciously knew it in the first place. Mary had just asked the angel how it will be that she will give birth since she is a virgin, and this verse is part of his response. If you had asked me what the "impossible" was, without looking it up I'm pretty sure I would have said it was referring to the virgin birth. But...when it follows the verse that it does, I think it might be something I can relate to a bit more. Here's what it says:

"Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37

Is verse 37 referring to the virgin birth? Yeah, I would say so. But I think it's also safe to say that it's referring to God's wonderful story of proving dear Elizabeth's barrenness false. He could have had the angel say those words prior to sharing the news of Elizabeth's pregnancy; but I think He knew full well that the order would mean a lot to me many years later.

Not long ago, I would have taken reading this verse and recognizing the context to be an absolute sign that I will get pregnant. Now I recognize that God leading me through barrenness with peace, and even joy, is already doing something I would have thought to be impossible. So either way, I know the verse to be the absolute truth.

So this is where 2012 begins: with peace and with joy. Yes, that's amazingness.

(By the way, the other verse that brought me hope is Luke 1:58. If my desire for a child comes to be, this verse is so going on the birth announcements. :) )