God is still God

Tonight my heart aches. A coworker, who's come to be a good friend, and his wife lost their little girl, Rosemary. Rosie was due to bring such amazing joy to the new parents in a few short weeks; but instead, today they mourn the loss of the little one they already loved so much.

I read the news in an email before I left for work. I'm selfishly thankful that I hadn't yet put make up on, and that I was in the privacy of home when the reality sunk in. I cannot imagine what they are going through. The ache in my heart and the questions of "why?" racing through my mind can only be a millionth of what they are experiencing; and even with that I'm finding it hard to breath.

I was planning to write tonight because it's the 5 year anniversary of my surgery. I was going to reflect on what I've learned in the last five years. Then I was going to look ahead to next week when I have another surgery to see what's been causing me so much pain the last few months (and the last couple days especially), and how hopefully it will be fixed while they are in there.

But everything I'd planned to write about just doesn't seem important now. I know my pain has been great over the years, but it somehow pales in light of this. Not because the pain that I've felt in waiting for a child is less valid, but because this is just so much more tangible. I think the fact that I've been doing so well with our infertility also makes me see my prior pain as having lessened...because it just doesn't ache the way it used to.

I remember in one of the darker times of going through our journey I came across this video of the singer that recorded Hillsong's Desert Song. She talks about how shortly before recording the song, she lost her baby boy. Even though she didn't necessarily feel like it, she still chose to sing praise to God. As God would have it, this was the song that was on the radio when I drove to work today.

There's a line where she says, "Sometimes I don't feel like singing to God, but I know that my circumstance and this season doesn't change that God is still God...He's still on the throne..."

That's all that even makes sense to me right now. God is still God.