Amazingness.

Well, the strangeness I was feeling in November has morphed into this wonderful amazingness that's hard to describe. Little by little, day by day, I'm feeling more and more assurance that God has something super spectacular mind-blowingly amazing in the works. And although I'm still very hopeful that whatever it is He's authoring includes a mini-Maki, I'm not sure it does. And what's more amazing is I feel pretty okay with the not knowing; and I'm trusting that I will also be okay with the absence of this blog's key character, if that's the way the plot goes.

So yeah...I've been feeling a peace that I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend six months ago. Aside from the few days of being slightly unsettled when we found out Nicole and Joe are expecting, I've really, really been okay. I made it through two baby showers (the first in over four years!); I felt truly thankful (not bitter) at Thanksgiving; and this was the first Christmas since 2006 that I wasn't wallowing in self-pity.

I just read several of my earlier posts, and in one I made mention of how hard Christmas tends to be because I'm longing for the child to hang a stocking for and am always thinking about how maybe he or she will be here next year. Those thoughts entered my mind this year, but I'd say it was more thinking about how strange it was that I wasn't really thinking about it than actually thinking about it. (Have fun wrapping your mind around that one.)

This Christmas, I enjoyed shopping for my nieces and nephews in a way that I haven't before. (Not to mention the fun I had shopping for everyone else, too; needless to say, I went over budget a little this year. And it was SOooo worth it!) But more important than the shopping and the gift giving, I feel like I appreciated the true meaning of Christmas this year in a way I haven't in a long time, if ever. That sounds so cliché, but it's true. I've been reading my Bible so much more lately, and surprise, surprise - the whole idea that that's how we get to know God and Jesus better is actually true. So this year, with a new appreciation for who God the Father and Jesus his Son are, I was in awe of the Christmas story in a way I've never been before. Fun stuff.

My favorite "hoping for baby" related moment in the last few weeks came while reading the beginning of the Christmas story in the first chapter of Luke one morning while we were in Indiana visiting Ma and Pa Maki (best visit EVER! by the way). I've come to realize that the story of John the Baptist's birth to Zechariah and Elizabeth is my favorite story of infertility in the Bible. Not only is it the story that taught me a very important lesson a few years back; but this year it reminded me of something even more important: "For nothing is impossible with God."

There you have it. Luke 1:37. It's one of those great verses that we like to throw around for any circumstance that seems impossible. (I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad thing, but sometimes we might trivialize it. For example, I think I may have referenced it in high school during an FCA meeting prior to a boys' playoff basketball game that we were not favored to win. If winning a basketball game is our view of what isn't "impossible with God," we certainly have low expectations.) I know this verse has come to mind many times when I've been battling that small voice in my head telling me that it will be impossible for me to get pregnant, and it has definitely brought me peace.

The wonderful thing about reading this verse again is that I'd completely forgotten its context, if I ever consciously knew it in the first place. Mary had just asked the angel how it will be that she will give birth since she is a virgin, and this verse is part of his response. If you had asked me what the "impossible" was, without looking it up I'm pretty sure I would have said it was referring to the virgin birth. But...when it follows the verse that it does, I think it might be something I can relate to a bit more. Here's what it says:

"Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37

Is verse 37 referring to the virgin birth? Yeah, I would say so. But I think it's also safe to say that it's referring to God's wonderful story of proving dear Elizabeth's barrenness false. He could have had the angel say those words prior to sharing the news of Elizabeth's pregnancy; but I think He knew full well that the order would mean a lot to me many years later.

Not long ago, I would have taken reading this verse and recognizing the context to be an absolute sign that I will get pregnant. Now I recognize that God leading me through barrenness with peace, and even joy, is already doing something I would have thought to be impossible. So either way, I know the verse to be the absolute truth.

So this is where 2012 begins: with peace and with joy. Yes, that's amazingness.

(By the way, the other verse that brought me hope is Luke 1:58. If my desire for a child comes to be, this verse is so going on the birth announcements. :) )