Strangeness.

The last three months have been a bit surreal. We've actually been content. I set out to have this year be the "year of contentment," and I tell you...it's been a HUGE blessing. September was a tiny bit disappointing, as we thought that our "odds" were really good. But since, then we've both just realized that we may as well enjoy the gift God is giving us right now - more time, just the two of us.

Then sometime in early October, it somehow morphed into the thought of "maybe we're not supposed to have kids after all." When we first started feeling this way, I really thought it would be a fleeting thing. I've felt that way in the past, and it usually lasted a day or two...maybe a week at the most. But now it's mid-November, and we're at nearly three months contentment and well over a month of "kids are for the birds." It's been starting to feel a bit more permanent. Sometimes I've even tried really, really hard to think about wanting kids...and it's just not like it was before. I haven't once thought that us having kids is completely out of the question, but I've settled into a thought pattern that allows that as a possible outcome and it doesn't make me freak out. Strange.

That being said, coupled with this feeling there has been this slight apprehension that it's going to suddenly cave in on me. I know myself well enough after four years of this infertility business to know that I go in pretty major ups and downs. So the feeling of being so okay with not being pregnant has to just be a major up, doesn't it? I feel like I'm navigating a minefield. Everyday I wonder if something will happen that day that will send me reeling again. Thankfully, this concern has been much weaker than the counterpart of contentment; so it's been a relatively great three months!

And then today happens...I'm not reeling by any means, but I did get news that our best friends are pregnant. What makes it strange, is that Ryan and I just talked recently about how as long as they didn't have kids we were okay not having kids. But when they had kids, it might be time to start thinking about doing something more...whether it's medically on the ttc side of things or pursuing adoption. I haven't told Ryan yet, so I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself. Well...he just got home. To be continued...

Update 1/8/12: There was no need to continue, as not much happened. Ryan and I talked, I was close to tears and although one or two may have fallen, I know I didn't break down by any means. I realized I was more concerned that the news was going to break me than I was about them actually being pregnant and how that would impact our next move. Ultimately, it passed within a few days as I realized I was actually stronger than I imagined. Another awesome example of God's grace. :)